Upon checking the internet for legal humor, I cracked up. See what you think.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid .
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard .
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: And where was the location of the accident?
WITNESS: Approximately milepost 499.
ATTORNEY: And where is milepost 499?
WITNESS: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.
He approached her and said, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You, lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Whittaker, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Of course I do. I’ve known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney turned red with embarrassment.
The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thus far, asked both lawyers to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt!”
A construction engineer dies and appears before Saint Peter. After going through the Heaven list, Saint peter tells the guy he’s not on the list and has to go down to hell. After being in hell for a week, the guy has installed air conditioning, new plumbing that works, tiles on the floor, and wall paper. Suddenly, God realizes He sent the wrong guy down and calls the Devil telling him to send the guy back up. The Devil says, “No way! In addition to all the improvements he made, next week we’re gonna have satellite tv”. God then says, “If you don’t send him back I will sue you”. At that point the Devil laughs and says, “Sue me? Where do you think you’re gonna find an attorney?”
In closing, what do you call 10 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!